The Mask and The Care
by animellow
Summary: Everybody has a mask. And everybody hides something behind that mask. Everyone cares. And everybody hides something because they care. Or maybe they show it. But what is it that each person conceals? Read on to find out. A four-shot with short chapters each told from a different exorcist's point of view.
1. The One Who Didn't Care

He had known it.

He didn't know how long he had known it - just that he knew. He knew.

He knew that every word, every insult, every shitty act he did - everything - everything was a lie. It was a mask to hide all the things he truly felt and deny all those feelings at the same time.

But no matter how much he didn't want to admit it, even just to himself, Kanda had to. He had to admit that he cared. Cared for his... _friends -_ more deeply than anyone else, as weird as it was to call them that. But it was just something he could not just push away, the way he did to them. He knew he might get hurt if they were, which was why he tried, but never succeeded. And after realizing it, he simply kept up the attitude because of pride. And also habit, but what did that matter? They'd never know.

Unless Marie decided to speak up, because he was the only one (other than freakish General Tiedoll, the old fart) wise enough to be able to tell, he believed. (Which, by the way, he did, unknown to Kanda).

He had known it for a long time, and there was nothing he could do to change that no matter how much he denied it. But as long the others never knew, he didn't care.

Or so he thought.

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 **Hi! So I'm back with another D. Gray-Man fanfic, which is also my first two-shot ever! Though ruth be told, this was actually just written on a whim. And for those of you awaiting my new chapter for "the next disaster", rest assured that I will continue it, unlike what I had said in the author notes on chapter 2. But until then, I'll be writing some other stuff cause I haven't been quite up to tat story as well as "Gone" just yet (I think I'm starting to shift through my hobbies again), so until then I hope you'll bear with me!**

 **As always, hope you liked this new story, though I think it came out a little funny.**

 **\- animellow**


	2. The One Who Lies

He was liar.

A pretender.

Someone who masqueraded behind a cover and _lied,_ always pretending that he was alright when he was not, smiling through the pain when he was sad, accepting it when he was told something wasn't his fault when it _was._

Allen had known it for so long, and during all these years he has never wanted to conceal it as much as he does now, because he cares about his friends. And as selfish as it is, he didn't want them to know.

He couldn't let them know.

Know of how terrible a person he was, the sort of life he used to live before Mana, the sorts of things he used to do while he was under Cross. Know of how he wasn't really the happy sort of person, and not someone who could get back up no matter how many times he fell down. Sure, he would try his best to be, but that didn't mean that that was who he was. Because he was a horrible excuse for a person - he couldn't win every time the way fictional heroes did in stories. He couldn't "save the people" like Lenalee or Lavi or Kanda, or even any of the other exorcists.

And he had a _Noah_ living inside him of all things. Even if it was just the memory, it was still there, threatening to spill out and take control at any moment.

He was no hero. There was no way he would ever be a hero. Not like the other heroic and brave exorcists and finders and scientists, who had given up their very lives for this war. He had nothing to give up, and that was unfair of him. He had nothing to risk, because he believed that was what his life was worth.

As much as he would like to truly believe in the words he said, about how he would definitely save everyone - human or demon, he knew deep down that he couldn't.

Which was exactly why he was a liar. A pretender. Someone who masqueraded behind a smile and shielded himself with misdirection and half-truths or not-truths.

And he would never, _ever_ let anyone know.

But since he wouldn't, someone _else_ would, eventually, whether he knew it or not. He knew that very well. But until then he would hide it, for as long as he could.


	3. The One Who Masks Himself

**Okay, so I forgot to mention that if this were to become a three or four-shot, the last two chapters would be told from Lavi's and Lenalee's POVs respectively. Thus, I will be updating the summary to correct it. I'm really sorry about the mistake, and I hope you'll bear with me. Thanks so much for your patience.**

 **Now as always, enjoy!**

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He shouldn't be like this.

Whether it was lying to everyone he cared about or even just the fact that he cared about them, he didn't know. He just knew that he shouldn't.

He shouldn't be lying to them, because they were his friends.

He shouldn't care about them, because they should not be his friends, and he should not care, period.

But Lavi couldn't help it. It's pretty hard not to get attatched to them after everything they've been through together, fighting _akuma_ and death and trying to win the war. And yet it was precisely because it was a war, just like every other war that he should not care. So how was it different? He asked himself that so many times that he couldn't even hide it anymore - he was barely bottling up his feelings as it was, especially when Panda was around.

So again, he tells himself that he shouldn't be like this. That he shouldn't be keeping this mask on and yet that he should. That he should not care for the others half-heartedly and yet that he should. Or rather, he should just _not care at all._

But if he wasn't like this, then things wouldn't be as orderly as they were now. If he changed, everything would fall into chaos because he would either not help the others and they would die because he did not care, or he would help them every time and do exactly what a Bookman was not supposed to do - change history.

But life was all about changing history. That's what people did for every second, every day, with every fiber in their being whether they knew it or not: change what would become history. And if he wasn't supposed to do that, if he wasn't supposed to _live,_ then what was he doing?

He sighed.

He _really_ shouldn't be like this.

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 **Okay, so I'm not really sure how this came out cause I wrote it just a few minutes ago. Rest assured I've reread it, but I usually wait a day so that I'm not so familiar with the story, like a real reader who didn't write this. But I really wanted to get this up soon because I like it somewhat so far, and so I hope that despite some of my blunders that you liked it, so leave a review if you did like it (or if you didn't)!**

 **And, as always, thanks for reading!**

 **\- animellow**


	4. The One Who Hates

She hated it.

She hated every second of it - being in the Order. Not because what they did wasn't good - it was. It benefitted the entire world. Rather, she hated it because of _how_ the higher-ups chose to do it.

Experiments, torture, lies and excuses and whatever they could.

She hated it even more when they had threatened Allen to death, claiming that it was his fault and that he should die, that he was working with the Earl simply because a Noah lived inside of him, when it was _not_ his fault. He hadn't asked to have a Noah to be implanted in him, he didn't say that he wanted to join the Earl, and he most certainly did _not_ act like it. He wouldn't lie like that to everyone she knew he loved and cared about, because that wasn't Allen. But Lenalee loved the Order just as much as she hated it, because all her friends - no, family - were there. They were her home, and that would never change.

So in a way, she was a liar too - pretending to hate the Order when she loved it, pretending to love it when she hated it.

Or maybe both were true. Or maybe both were false. Whatever it was, those were her feelings. All the time she was either hiding it or not hiding it, showing it and yet concealing it at the same time. Did that make any sense?

She had no idea.


End file.
